The Acquisition of Prof RJ Lupin
by adrienne.hope
Summary: Reposted. Oh, no, I’m just here for two quick things. One is your autograph. The other is Remus Lupin! Me, kidnapping Remus for random fun.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, I was reviewing a friend's story when I was greeted by a random plot bunny. Here it is, back in action.**

**Disclaimer: By the end of this story, all characters and places shall be mine (Muhaha).**

**Disclaimer of Disclaimer: Anyone who believed that is an idiot. Although, that is sort of the plot.**

**The Acquisition of Professor RJ Lupin**

"JK! So lovely to finally meet you!"

"Who the &# are you, and why are you in my study interrupting my work on _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_?"

"I'm just a fan. I write fan fics at under the name amattsonperdue."

"Oh, so you're the psychopath behind Republicans for Voldemort?"

"Yep, that's me! SIRIUS FOR PRESIDENT!"

"Oh, well, in that case... SECURITY!"

"Oh, no, I'm just here for two quick things. One is your autograph."

"..."

"The other is (your soul) Remus Lupin!"

"..."

"Hand him over, please."

"You're crazy. Remus Lupin doesn't exist. He's a fictional character."

"That's where you're wrong."

"Remmie!" / "You don't exist!"

"Clearly, you're wrong."

"Duh. If Remus didn't exist he wouldn't be standing right here."

"I've lost my mind..."

"No, we're real. And we want out of your head. Now."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay here's chapter two. By the way, I thought I'd tell you that I'm doing this for a friend. I told her I'd get Remus for her. My beta, funsize, already kidnapped Sirius, and, since I stole him from her, he'll be in the story.**

**Disclaimer: I took my meds today. I'm not crazy, I swear.**

**Chapter Two: When Characters Attack**

I stare at him. Remus Lupin has just stepped out of JK much like memories are withdrawn in the books. He is closely followed by Tonks... then Harry... Ginny... Ron... Hermione... And it keeps going; they keep coming. The sight is rather disturbing, but it is impossible to tear my eyes away as they pour out. Like watching a train wreck... the train in this case being the Hogwarts Express.

The ranks of Order members and other disgruntled characters line up before us, clearly pissed at being locked in JK's brain for so long. And if the Order is this grumpy... I shudder to think what the Death Eaters will be like.

Finally, they are all out. Dumbledore, Sirius and Cedric all look extra furious.

I'm not the only one who notices, because JK promptly stammers out, "I.. I am so sorry... I... I didn't realize you guys were... real. P-please... Don't kill me... Or... use the... C-cru-cruciatus Curse on me..."

"What should do with her?" Moody asks.

Voldemort laughs evilly.

Mrs. Blacks portrait cries, "Paint her into a picture! See how she likes it!"

JK looks desperately to her Gryffindor characters and says, "I didn't write you guys to be evil! You have to stop them!"

Gilderoy Lockheart wanders forward. "What a strange place... Do you live here? Do I live here?"

Alice Longbottom wanders over to him and, smiling vacantly, hands him a gum wrapper, before going back to Frank.

Snape wanders forward, wearing his 'Neville's Bogart' outfit and suggests, "Can we kill her?"

"No, no, she's far too valuable," Voldie says, "She holds the key to me killing Potter."

James voice rings out with laughter. "Which one?"

"If you kill Harry, you have to kill me first!" Lily calls.

"No, no, we've already tried that... It just helps the boy!" Lucius yells.

On an impulse I yell, "FOOD FIGHT!"

"Oddment, nitwit, blubber, tweak!" and the room erupts into the chaos of a food fight.

While everyone is distracted, I save book 7, grab Remus and run. Sirius follows, for no reason other than I have bound him to me so he has to. With a cry of, "SIRIUS!!! NOOOOO!" Harry comes as well. Remus, who is otherwise occupied, doesn't stop him, so he keeps going. Since there is no veil, I have gained a Harry. Soon, the whole Order, DA, and everyone else not stupid enough to remain with the Death Eaters and get covered in food joins us, including JK, who relinquishes her hold on the characters, freeing them and allowing them to roam.

I take Remus home and e-mail him to Evelyn. All is well... Until the sequel.

**A/N: It just occurred to me... If I own the character of JK... Do I now own HP...?**

**No authors or characters were harmed in the making of this... this.**

**Also, I love JK, and wish her no harm. I'm just really, really bored. I bow before the glory of JK and beg to appease her... Or something like that.**

**Okay, Review!**


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